Finding “love” in the cello

Ever since I can remember, I had always had a deep renowned respect for music. I was always invested in getting to learn new instruments and wanting to simply know more about the science behind music and why it brings so much joy and pleasure to one’s life. I had started playing cello when I was 12, a late age considering that it was awkward to join my middle school’s orchestra by a certain deadline and have enough understanding of my instrument in general. The orchestra teacher at the time did not believe in me. She thought it was “foolish” to start a new instrument so late in the school year, and that I would not be able to withhold the patience to achieve my goal of learning the cello. I obviously neglected this absurdity, and was able to learn it prominently on time so I could join the orchestra class.

Ever since then, I have not stopped playing and was put in my school’s highest level orchestra by my junior year of high school. During this time, I found anger and insecurity in my playing; I was not satisfied with how I sounded, and I often compared myself to others. Especially my best friend at the time who was one of the best cellists in the class. She was a perfectionist, and many thought highly of her. Her playing was so effortless, and eloquent. It always seemed that she played with almost no fear, and had such dynamic in expression when playing that many were simply in awe with her as well. It was hard being her friend. It had always felt like competition, and it seemed like she always tried to make me feel smaller for knowing less. It made me feel small and incomplete, and the cello itself and my love for it was beginning to fade, because it had simply felt like “something I had to do”, and not something I found passion in anymore. It fueled me with bad insecurities of my playing capabilites and stage fear because I felt I was not good enough to play the cello or felt as though I was not deserving of being in the presence of an audience who would not want to hear a cellist who did not love playing. It was horrid, and I do not wish that pain on anyone.

As for now and for a while, as I have began to play for me, (as I still am trying), I have began to find the small, but important things that I love from playing the cello. It has taught me again my love for music, and how I can simply improvise and play for me, and not fear of the criticism of others. It is hard to describe, but I am in a healing process of finding myself in the cello again. I feel as though at times I am a broken mirror, and I am only finding the pieces of it from the development of my love for music, and for the cello itself. I had learned a lot from my past friend, and I have since realized that my insecurities were only mirrored and reflected from hers. It was eye opening to see and realize that she is simply human as well, and that perfection is not all that she is and what she represents in the cello. She often felt the same way that I did, even when I never realized. It is crazy to think that somebody who may have had it all, simply did not have enough.

I play cello and I study it now at the University, and I sometimes wonder where it may lead me….but I am not afraid anymore. I won’t let any more time pass by, and by writing this I have since began to realize that this blog post is more like a letter for myself to reflect and finally express how I have been feeling for so long. Music has since changed me, and so has the cello. It has made me not only a musician, but a better human being. I want to express my love for the cello one day in front of an audience of many others who love the cello as much as I do. I want to change lives with my passion, and I want my story and emotion to reflect in my playing.

I thank not only myself for finally coming to this realization, but to the people who did not believe in me and others who were there to teach me life lessons. But most importantly, to the cello for simply always being there as a beacon of love.

I am eternally grateful and I do not know where I would be without it.

To whomever reads this, do not give up. You are as powerful as you think you are.

The world is yours.

-E.